Where do I find my place of belonging?

Well here we are in 2012 already! My my did 2011 sure FLY by! As we close out the old and bring in the new I'd like to make it a goal to post on my blog at least once a week! I know that isn't a lot but it is a goal I think I can attain so that's what we are going with!

2011 held a lot of joy and a LOT of heartache for me, my family and my friends. Of course the joy for me is the most precious gift God has ever blessed me with, MY SON! Addicus has been such a joy! I cannot believe he is almost 1 :( The heartache includes many tragedies and unexpected events. I cannot even begin to describe how much my heart has hurt over the last year.

With all of that said I have decided to make another change/goal in my life this year and that is to HAVE FAITH and CHOOSE JOY. For years I have been a heartbroken young child with no real meaning of purpose in my life. I often feel I'm stuck in my sadness, heartache and sorrow. I have struggled with my faith, friendships, family, heartbreaks and dependence on others/things. I am not saying it has been all bad because by no means has it, I am just saying I don't feel I've ever really grasped the concept of moving on. I always seem to think I've moved on or feel I have let something go, but when it comes to the days that are just really crappy, every thing seems to come flooding back.

This year I am going to begin making the effort to use my downtime to spend time in HIS word so I can grasp the true meaning of having faith. The first tattoo I got was the word faith, because faith holds a special meaning for me, it is time I start living and walking by faith!

This year EVERYDAY I will CHOOSE JOY! I am a part of a Women's Bible Study group that meets every other Sunday afternoon and at our last meeting our leader challenged us to CHOOSE JOY. She has had bracelets made for us and we will be getting them soon. This bracelet will be my constant reminder to choose Joy over all else. As I sad my life has been full of challenging situations that have truly left me bitter. When the past comes flooding back to me I can't believe the changes that have occurred in my life and the bitterness that has built up. I look back and think, "Wow!" and then beat myself up over my choices. I often think about how happy I am that my life is "on track" and that I'm now making better decisions but I don't know how beating myself up over the past is a "better decision." Through my bitterness I have also become very callused. I get so upset at the choices others make that break my heart of the hearts of those that love them, yet I guess I forget I used to make the same decisions. All in all, this year I WILL CHOOSE JOY! For all of you iPhoners there is an app you can get to keep track of your daily blessings/gifts/things you are thankful for, it is called 1,000 gifts. Our Bible Study leaders challenge was for us to have 5 things each day that we are thankful for, regardless of how each day goes. Also there is a book you can enjoy called, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I have not yet read the book but plan on making it a top priority this year!

Now back to the title, I woke up this morning motivated to start my year out right and sticking with my GOALS (not resolutions :)) I sat down to do my Bible Study and what do you know, it's in the car Josh took to church, so I decided to Google a Devotional and I came across Proverbs 31 website, I don't know a lot about this website but I do know there are many women in my bible study group that read this devotional. I pulled up the daily devotions and started reading. When I was done I noticed it was not the devotional for today but that didn't matter, it was the devotional I needed to hear/read today. It was about how we have moved away from personal interaction society to a society so plugged in to social networking that we have lost our sense of belonging. Now I know not everyone out there has done this but, I have. I have come to a place in my life where I really don't feel like I belong ANYWHERE. I used to be so involved, my friends called me the social butterfly, I always had someone to hang out with or talk to. Now, I feel so lost, I feel alone, I feel completely turned off from the real world. This is not a cry for friends, this is not a knock on all the people who are currently in my life. This is me pouring out my feelings so I can realize I have to be the one that gets out there and gets involved again. I have to be the one to overlook the fact that there are people/women out there who still have childhood friends, but that doesn't mean they can't be my friend too. I have to be the one that TRULY steps out daily with the question in mind, Where do I find my place of belonging?

I hope yall have an exciting and blessed day to open the New Year! And please consider taking 2012 on with the goals of having faith and choosing joy!

MMMMOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

It's official, I'm feeling like a cow. And quite frankly it doesn't matter what others think I look like, it matters how I feel. Do I really think I'm as big as a cow, no, but really I can't kick this ugh feeling. I have a friend and a sister who have been working their butts off to drop the pounds and I really feel like I'm just a lazy BUTT. I'm struggling with balancing my job, Addicus, Josh, cleaning the house, trying to help with dinner, Bible Study (x2), sleep, and me time. I'm really just not sure what to do. I am supposed to be training for a half marathon but I'm too afraid to tell anyone because I don't want to fail in the training and not run. HURGH! I have hit the biggest ucky feeling that I've had in a LONG LONG LONG LONG time! I need to do SOMETHING! Okay whining done, now let's see if I really do, SOMETHING. I honestly want to I just don't know when to work everything in!? Pointers!? Anyone!?

May you...

I'm not sure if you have ever heard of Rob Bell, but I simply think he is amazing. Never have I been so excited to learn about the Bible and so excited to have the stories of the Bible make sense to me. Rob Bell does that for me. He makes it all come to life and makes it all so exciting! When Josh and I first met one of the things I looked forward to doing was going over to his house to watch Rob Bell videos! We got to discuss the Bible through the videos and it provided such a deep start for us. Sad to say but we have somewhat fallen away from the bond those videos encouraged us to have. I have been seeking and seeking to see how we can get it back, but I'm not sure its a we thing really. I feel I am the one that needs to get it back and then approach Josh with it. Several times in my life I have strayed away from my faith and just recently I am getting back in to it. I still am not as disciplined as I need/want to be but I'm working on it. I've been doing group Bible Study for about 2 years, this summer was the first time I finished a full book, now by that I don't mean a full book and the questions so this Fall it is my goal to finish a full book and the questions! EVERYTHING, I know I can do it and I know it is all about discipline for me! I am actually doing 2 Bible Studies this fall simply because I feel the more I have to be accountable for, the more apt I am to find a way to work it in to my schedule! I know this may not have been an exciting blog to read but my mind is wandering and tired and ready for bed. I simply needed to get something out to hopefully make an empty space to be able to rest better! And I've been slacking on blogging and need to be more accountable here as well! SO, I am sleepy but I wanted to leave yall with this......

May you believe in God, but may you come to see that God believes in you, May you have faith in Jesus, but may you come to see that Jesus has faith that you can be like him, a person of love and compassion and truth, a person of forgiveness and peace and grace and joy and hope, May you be covered in the dust of your Rabbi, Jesus -Rob Bell, Dust

I completely agree that often times we feel not good enough for Him and not good enough for this or that but we need to wake up and realize its not about us, its about HIM, HE believes in us and HE knows we can do it, shouldn't that be all we need?!

I need you Lord...

...even more than the air I breathe...

If you have ever heard of Shane and Shane then you've probably heard this song. It's on their new album, it's called Miracles. I LOVE IT!....And it is so true for my life right now. SO much has happened in the last 2 weeks or so and I'm still processing ALL of it.

My last blog was pretty short and to the point. I was very angry, sad, mad and I was really hurting! I've gotten better since then but only because I've actually prayed every day! EVERY SINGLE DAY! This is a huge thing for me because I always give up in the middle of my praying because I feel like I'm "not doing it right" or something. But I can honestly say EVERY DAY this past week I have made a concious effort to pray. In no way am I trying to make this accomplishment about me, what I'm trying to explain is that although things are still rough and I'm still struggling, it has gotten easier because I have Him in my heart! I am more motivated to make the changes I've wanted to make for so long. I am working on my discipline as it is the most difficult thing for me when it comes to my personal life. But I know that with the Lord in my heart it will be possible.

I would like to Thank all of my friends who have been praying. Yall are amazing, I cannot explain how truly awesome and amazing it is to have friends who are always there even if they are many miles away!

Tomorrow morning I am starting back in to running! I am SOOOOOO excited, I've made excuse after excuse to not get back in to it but I simply do not have any time left. I made a promise to Jamie I would run the White Rock Half in December 2011 and I surely better get to it! I may have to get up early but this is a part of the self discipline I'm working on. I really am striving to be better about daily exercise and daily quite time. This has always been a struggle for me but at some point I need to own up to my laziness and lack of discipline and do something about it! I am SOOO excited to have a running buddy! Let's DO IT JAMIE!

This blog has already been kinda un put together but oh well that's the way my brain is working today. I started Bible Study back up today and I'm SOOOOOO excited as well! This summer was the first study I had every gotten through the whole book, so I at least know I can do it! This next study is a Beth Moore study. I have got to see this woman in person! She is SOOOOO full of energy and just amazing. She makes a point to make sure that the people who are studying with her understand the importance of stories in the Bible! I just LOVE LOVE LOVE it! I am excited about the group I am in the study with! A large group of Women I don't know all that well but I am SO excited to get to know them! I am going to attempt two Bible Studies this Fall, I know I might be a tad crazy but I'm going to attempt anyways, can't ever get too much of the Bible! YAY YAY!

Well I better get going if I'm going to run in the morning! I hope I don't hold Jamie back! Oh and if you couldn't tell I'm REALLY EXCITED about a lot that is coming up....! Thanks for reading! Night!

So angry at the world

Today, like it or not, I'm angry with the world, heartbroken and just plain sad....

I finally understand why some people need to get out what they are feeling yet don't want/feel like sharing why they are feeling the way they are.

So with that said, all I can ask is that everyone pray, pray, pray! He will know what you are praying for so please please please, just pray.

That is all...

I know that you are for me...

I know that you are for me, I know that you will never, forsake me in my weakness....
-Kari Jobe, You Are For Me
I can't get this song out of my mind/off my heart. If you haven't ever heard it you should go listen to it.

Miracles.
The topic of of current sermon series at church. Today Pastor Mike spoke about how we often define our lives by what we do and/or what we have accomplished. Example, I have my Masters of Arts in Criminology and Criminal Justice, I am a Community Supervision Officer, I won Homecoming Queen in high school and college, I am a mother, I am a wife, I am a daughter, I am a sister, etc.... Upon closing the sermon, Pastor Mike challenged us to mark our lives by our miracles. He then went a step further to challenge us to especially mark our lives today by the miracle of forgiveness. He encouraged us to consume ourselves in the forgiveness and grace...
If you know me really well you will know my biggest struggle in life surrounds my inability to forgive myself of my mistakes, especially those made in college and grad school. I made horrible choices and did things of which I'm incredibly ashamed. I know I am forgiven but I often wonder why He would forgive me when I can't even find it in me to forgive myself. I have struggled with this "cloud" of shame, guilt, hurt, embarrassment for at least the last 7 or 8 years. Sometimes I even have a hard time remembering anything good from college and I experience extreme anxiety when I think about seeing someone from my past...

But TODAY I have decided to accept Pastor Mike's challenge. No more shame, no more guilt, no more embarrassment. I've been working way too hard the last 2-3 years to let this mess pull me down any more. I will accept that I am forgiven, I will mark today as a MIRACLE in my life. TODAY I choose to consume myself in forgiveness and grace! I know I will face many more challenges in my life, but today I make a promise to myself, that I will no longer allow the hurts of my past choices define who I am.

Today I ran into someone I went to college with, I was SO excited to see a familiar face from back home yet I was very hesitant to approach him as he would be one of those people I would have extreme anxiety to run in to. Although I was overwhelmed with anxiety, my excitement took over and I approached him and his wife anyways. It was a heart warming encounter, he remembered me and better yet he wrote on my facebook wall later about how nice it was to see someone from "back home."

That story coupled with my decision to accept Pastor Mike's challenge just makes me completely overwhelmed with joy and peace today. I am sure sometimes I will still experience some anxiety about the past but I KNOW that He is for me and I KNOW the He will NEVER forsake me in my weakness!