MMMMOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

It's official, I'm feeling like a cow. And quite frankly it doesn't matter what others think I look like, it matters how I feel. Do I really think I'm as big as a cow, no, but really I can't kick this ugh feeling. I have a friend and a sister who have been working their butts off to drop the pounds and I really feel like I'm just a lazy BUTT. I'm struggling with balancing my job, Addicus, Josh, cleaning the house, trying to help with dinner, Bible Study (x2), sleep, and me time. I'm really just not sure what to do. I am supposed to be training for a half marathon but I'm too afraid to tell anyone because I don't want to fail in the training and not run. HURGH! I have hit the biggest ucky feeling that I've had in a LONG LONG LONG LONG time! I need to do SOMETHING! Okay whining done, now let's see if I really do, SOMETHING. I honestly want to I just don't know when to work everything in!? Pointers!? Anyone!?

May you...

I'm not sure if you have ever heard of Rob Bell, but I simply think he is amazing. Never have I been so excited to learn about the Bible and so excited to have the stories of the Bible make sense to me. Rob Bell does that for me. He makes it all come to life and makes it all so exciting! When Josh and I first met one of the things I looked forward to doing was going over to his house to watch Rob Bell videos! We got to discuss the Bible through the videos and it provided such a deep start for us. Sad to say but we have somewhat fallen away from the bond those videos encouraged us to have. I have been seeking and seeking to see how we can get it back, but I'm not sure its a we thing really. I feel I am the one that needs to get it back and then approach Josh with it. Several times in my life I have strayed away from my faith and just recently I am getting back in to it. I still am not as disciplined as I need/want to be but I'm working on it. I've been doing group Bible Study for about 2 years, this summer was the first time I finished a full book, now by that I don't mean a full book and the questions so this Fall it is my goal to finish a full book and the questions! EVERYTHING, I know I can do it and I know it is all about discipline for me! I am actually doing 2 Bible Studies this fall simply because I feel the more I have to be accountable for, the more apt I am to find a way to work it in to my schedule! I know this may not have been an exciting blog to read but my mind is wandering and tired and ready for bed. I simply needed to get something out to hopefully make an empty space to be able to rest better! And I've been slacking on blogging and need to be more accountable here as well! SO, I am sleepy but I wanted to leave yall with this......

May you believe in God, but may you come to see that God believes in you, May you have faith in Jesus, but may you come to see that Jesus has faith that you can be like him, a person of love and compassion and truth, a person of forgiveness and peace and grace and joy and hope, May you be covered in the dust of your Rabbi, Jesus -Rob Bell, Dust

I completely agree that often times we feel not good enough for Him and not good enough for this or that but we need to wake up and realize its not about us, its about HIM, HE believes in us and HE knows we can do it, shouldn't that be all we need?!

I need you Lord...

...even more than the air I breathe...

If you have ever heard of Shane and Shane then you've probably heard this song. It's on their new album, it's called Miracles. I LOVE IT!....And it is so true for my life right now. SO much has happened in the last 2 weeks or so and I'm still processing ALL of it.

My last blog was pretty short and to the point. I was very angry, sad, mad and I was really hurting! I've gotten better since then but only because I've actually prayed every day! EVERY SINGLE DAY! This is a huge thing for me because I always give up in the middle of my praying because I feel like I'm "not doing it right" or something. But I can honestly say EVERY DAY this past week I have made a concious effort to pray. In no way am I trying to make this accomplishment about me, what I'm trying to explain is that although things are still rough and I'm still struggling, it has gotten easier because I have Him in my heart! I am more motivated to make the changes I've wanted to make for so long. I am working on my discipline as it is the most difficult thing for me when it comes to my personal life. But I know that with the Lord in my heart it will be possible.

I would like to Thank all of my friends who have been praying. Yall are amazing, I cannot explain how truly awesome and amazing it is to have friends who are always there even if they are many miles away!

Tomorrow morning I am starting back in to running! I am SOOOOOO excited, I've made excuse after excuse to not get back in to it but I simply do not have any time left. I made a promise to Jamie I would run the White Rock Half in December 2011 and I surely better get to it! I may have to get up early but this is a part of the self discipline I'm working on. I really am striving to be better about daily exercise and daily quite time. This has always been a struggle for me but at some point I need to own up to my laziness and lack of discipline and do something about it! I am SOOO excited to have a running buddy! Let's DO IT JAMIE!

This blog has already been kinda un put together but oh well that's the way my brain is working today. I started Bible Study back up today and I'm SOOOOOO excited as well! This summer was the first study I had every gotten through the whole book, so I at least know I can do it! This next study is a Beth Moore study. I have got to see this woman in person! She is SOOOOO full of energy and just amazing. She makes a point to make sure that the people who are studying with her understand the importance of stories in the Bible! I just LOVE LOVE LOVE it! I am excited about the group I am in the study with! A large group of Women I don't know all that well but I am SO excited to get to know them! I am going to attempt two Bible Studies this Fall, I know I might be a tad crazy but I'm going to attempt anyways, can't ever get too much of the Bible! YAY YAY!

Well I better get going if I'm going to run in the morning! I hope I don't hold Jamie back! Oh and if you couldn't tell I'm REALLY EXCITED about a lot that is coming up....! Thanks for reading! Night!

So angry at the world

Today, like it or not, I'm angry with the world, heartbroken and just plain sad....

I finally understand why some people need to get out what they are feeling yet don't want/feel like sharing why they are feeling the way they are.

So with that said, all I can ask is that everyone pray, pray, pray! He will know what you are praying for so please please please, just pray.

That is all...

I know that you are for me...

I know that you are for me, I know that you will never, forsake me in my weakness....
-Kari Jobe, You Are For Me
I can't get this song out of my mind/off my heart. If you haven't ever heard it you should go listen to it.

Miracles.
The topic of of current sermon series at church. Today Pastor Mike spoke about how we often define our lives by what we do and/or what we have accomplished. Example, I have my Masters of Arts in Criminology and Criminal Justice, I am a Community Supervision Officer, I won Homecoming Queen in high school and college, I am a mother, I am a wife, I am a daughter, I am a sister, etc.... Upon closing the sermon, Pastor Mike challenged us to mark our lives by our miracles. He then went a step further to challenge us to especially mark our lives today by the miracle of forgiveness. He encouraged us to consume ourselves in the forgiveness and grace...
If you know me really well you will know my biggest struggle in life surrounds my inability to forgive myself of my mistakes, especially those made in college and grad school. I made horrible choices and did things of which I'm incredibly ashamed. I know I am forgiven but I often wonder why He would forgive me when I can't even find it in me to forgive myself. I have struggled with this "cloud" of shame, guilt, hurt, embarrassment for at least the last 7 or 8 years. Sometimes I even have a hard time remembering anything good from college and I experience extreme anxiety when I think about seeing someone from my past...

But TODAY I have decided to accept Pastor Mike's challenge. No more shame, no more guilt, no more embarrassment. I've been working way too hard the last 2-3 years to let this mess pull me down any more. I will accept that I am forgiven, I will mark today as a MIRACLE in my life. TODAY I choose to consume myself in forgiveness and grace! I know I will face many more challenges in my life, but today I make a promise to myself, that I will no longer allow the hurts of my past choices define who I am.

Today I ran into someone I went to college with, I was SO excited to see a familiar face from back home yet I was very hesitant to approach him as he would be one of those people I would have extreme anxiety to run in to. Although I was overwhelmed with anxiety, my excitement took over and I approached him and his wife anyways. It was a heart warming encounter, he remembered me and better yet he wrote on my facebook wall later about how nice it was to see someone from "back home."

That story coupled with my decision to accept Pastor Mike's challenge just makes me completely overwhelmed with joy and peace today. I am sure sometimes I will still experience some anxiety about the past but I KNOW that He is for me and I KNOW the He will NEVER forsake me in my weakness!

Lost in my emotions...

Earlier this evening I was paroozing facebook and became overwhelmed with feelings of sadness and anger. My heart breaks for the Heckel, Timmermeyer and Spears families. I work in a world where I shouldn't be surprised by the things human beings are capable of but when it comes to someone I actually know, I cannot grasp why someone would do this. This is not the first time I've experienced losing someone too soon and I tend to have a problem facing the reality. With Jenny I've had an especially hard time because I'm not there helping with all the events. There are days I log in to facebook and hope that I can see new pictures on Jenny's page, new posts from Jenny, just anything showing that it was all a dream. Instead I see the pictures from the evening before she was taken, I just smile at how awesome of a mom she was, spaghetti tacos were on the menu for her little man that night. And then I just get angry again, why? WHY? I'm so frustrated over the whole situation. I'm frustrated that someone would do it, I'm frustrated to not know more, I'm frustrated there are ignorant people in the community who don't understand the system and don't understand the KBI and HPD are doing everything they can, I'm simply FRUSTRATED. My heart is SO broken for the 5 year old boy who never gets to see his mommy again and doesn't quite understand why and my heart is SO broken for my classmate who never again gets to spend time with the woman who stole is heart. It just isn't fair and I can't seem to sort out any more thoughts or emotions that stem from this incident. I simply just pray every day, several times a day for everyone involved and I pray that each of you will as well!

Behind the Name

For my first entry on my new blog, I shall explain the name of the blog...I tend to have this thing with song lyrics and I'm very attached to using them to express my thoughts and feelings. I tend to feel I'm horrible with words and would and most of the time do, talk myself in complete circles. The current name are lyrics from Meredith Andrews song, You're Not Alone. Here are the lyrics...

I search for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone
but you found me where I was hiding
and though I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name
singing

You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life

You cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real
and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend
and everyone else long gone

You've had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song that calls you home
**sayin'

You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest nights
And I'm the one that's love you all your life
All your life

Faithful and true... Forever
For my love will carry you....

You're not alone
for I... I am here
let me wipe away every fear... Oh yeah
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest nights
Your darkest nights
And I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life

LOVE IT! There have been many nights I have cried myself to sleep from all of the hurt and pain in my life. And it is SO comforting to know I am not alone! Some days it takes A LOT to remember that God is always with me and will ALWAYS LOVE me, so let this blog and this song be my committment to always remember God is here, will wipe away all my tears and that God is the ONE who has LOVED ME ALL MY LIFE!